As you can see from previous posts I’ve tried to start out light! Don’t want to scare any one away by going to deep to fast lol. But this post really needs to be here in order for future posts to make sense!
I promise this post is completely honest, real, and embarrassing! I thought about titling it “where did she go?” Because this story is essentially about trauma and how I lost myself in the middle of it!
My husband Dean and I have been together my entire adult life! We were married July of 2000! We were young and hadn’t known each other long before we said “I do”. And I’m sure no one from either side of the family ever thought we would make it the first year! Ha maybe we didn’t even think we would! But our relationship just grew stronger over the years!
We knew right away we wanted kids so we were trying from day one with no success! Went to fertility appointment for years and eventually was told we would not have Kids! You would think that would have broke us, but it made us stronger and closer!
Doctors do not know much at all! We had been married 7 years and I find out I’m pregnant! We’re so excited on cloud 9 over joyed...
At 6 months pregnant I lose my grandfather who was like my father, and a month later I lose my grandmother who was more like a mom to me! Neither one made it to meet my child I tried so hard for... I did not know this at the time, but right here is when my trauma began! Death can cause major trauma and for me I had never lost anyone close to me until now, and I lose two in a row!
Trauma comes in many forms I have recently learned and since I didn’t know snout it then I never addressed it! We had an amazing fabulous baby boy that became our world!
A few years later I lose my uncle George to cancer! (More trauma) then not much longer my husband lost his mother! And a huge one for me was the loss of my uncle Don! (This one will take a whole blog post so watch for it later). Looking back when my uncle died, this was the point I lost myself! I began to enjoy more and more and more wine or alcohol of any kind really! You can lose the person you are just like that and not realize it! I went about my days like any other not understanding why I started to think and act different! It happened before I could stop it!
I get a friend request on social media one day from a friend I went to high school with and had not seen in years! One would think I would accept the friend request immediately to reconnect but no.... I let the friend request sit there unanswered for two weeks! Why you might ask..... no clue at that time! I have my theories now of course but hind sight is always 20/20!
Right away I got a private message! “Long time no see.” “How are you?” “what are you doing these days?“. You know the norm! That lasted for a couple weeks! I told my husband about him and the conversations because never in a million years would I have ever even thought about being with any one else besides my husband!!! We were the best of friends, and a great couple! No one, not me, not my husband, not our friends and family Would have ever thought I would have an affair! Everyone said we were Dan & Roseanne!!
Well, you can see where this is going.,,, what started out as innocent took a turn into the absolute sin! I was married and he was married too! We set ground rules! We both had no intentions on leaving our spouses! This was just sex and nothing more! It was like a way of filling a hole inside me that I couldn’t talk about or fill any other way! Please know that while telling my story I am in no way making excuses or blaming any one or anything Else but myself!!!
Trauma, I have recently learned about! Trauma can absolutely change a person like nothing else! It alters the chemical balance in your brain!! I had always thought that ptsd or trauma was something veterans went thru not me! But I was wrong! I became more and more depressed and angry and probably 100 other emotions too! I needed to fill that ache with more and more and then it became not as fulfilling and this is really where more and more mistakes were made... and after a bit of careless actions, we got caught!
My husband was decorated! I hate picturing that look on his face!!
After he calmed down we talked, but I still didn’t know how to fully communicate what was going on and that there was some thing wrong. We did the normal, we’ve been together so long,? It’s hard to walk away, let’s do counseling, We both agreed that things were missing in our relationship and said we’d work thru this and stay together! I cut off all communication with the other guy and was absolutely going to fix what was broken! Things did get better between my husband and I but we never did go to counseling or work on any of the things we wanted to!
There were several more events that happened to us to cause more trauma over the next 5 to 6 years! I will mention them here but more details in a later post! My mother pressed criminal charges against me. We lost everything we’ve ever owned in a house fire deemed arson, and the only family I had left turned on me in a way like never before! And now my house abs ask my belongings are ash so yes you guessed it, me and y family are now homeless! These things alone are just too much!
While between places we lived in a motor home on my sister in laws property and in her house that wasn’t finished! We needed to help my mom get a place so we made the decision to so move in together and we were no longer homeless! (Again so many details are left out here but I’ll go into more details I promise just stay tuned)
After finally getting into an apartment you would think all would be great! Ya, well that’s not how this story goes... my husband and I rarely talked, or did anything for that matter! We fell I guess into a rut! Week with my ptsd and chemical imbalance in my brain I was wanting very much to have some one to talk to! I reached out to our pastor, but didn’t get what I was needing in his advice. So what do I do? Yep, you guessed it! I make contact with the other guy from years before!
He always said all the right things at all the right time and again it filled the holes inside me! So this time I tell my husband that I’m leaving and I’m in love with another man! Long story short... I was not in love with the other guy he was not who I thought he was after living with him for a few and all I wanted every day was to run and tell Dean, my best friend what had happened that day! I found myself so very much missing my husband!
Most marriages now days don’t last long at all! On top of that most marriages do not survive one affair! But I’ma very lucky very blessed woman who fell in love 20 years ago with a man that knows me better then any one ever could! This time we did do counseling! I have been working on me and taking meds for the ptsd and I’m starting to find that girl I lost in the midst of trauma and unbearable pain! I still have my husband/best friend standing right here by my side! Every day I wake up I am thankful that he is still here even tho most men wouldn’t be!
Infidelity happens more then people realize! If anyone reading this is struggling with Tods or anything feel free to contact me! Maybe thru my experiences I can share Some things that will help you!
On Wednesday July 22, 2020 we will e married for 20 years! On the 25th we will be renewing our wedding vows with the friend and family that stuck by us both thru it all!!
